Jesus asked His followers, “What do you want?” (Matthew 20:32)
What do I want? Desires…deepest desires…what are mine? What is it that I truly desire in the deepest places in my heart? For a long time I’ve felt this vague sort of longing. I used to think it was just that I was dissatisfied with life. Maybe ungrateful for what God has done for me. It made me feel sort of guilty, like I should learn to be more content and satisfied with the life God has given me. Instead I’m always longing for something more, asking the question, “is this all there is?” Wondering why I can never just be thankful for life as it is. After all, it could be so much worse…right?
In the past few months, God has been hinting at a completely different mindset. Perhaps this longing I have is not selfish or from the perspective of a spoiled child that is never satisfied. Maybe this is a holy yearning for something that can never be satisfied in this life. It’s a longing, a deep desire for the restoration that Jesus promised when He returns for us.
I’ve been feeling like I need to grow up and stop “wanting.” To spend my time serving and living the best I can, as if this life is all there is. But I’ve been wrong. I need to have a measure of contentment as Paul mentions (Phillipians 4:11). But honestly…this life matters little in comparison to eternity. I will never feel fulfilled here – I don’t belong here. We haven’t belonged here since Eve made that one decision that ripped us from paradise to wander in the wilderness for generation after generation. Everybody has this same longing, I believe. We all search for different ways to find some relief, to feel satisfied…some good, some not so good. The truth is, there is no long term relief…not until He comes for us.
The revelation for me is this: This longing isn’t evil. It isn’t something to feel bad about. Better to stop trying to meet this this need or numb it. Better to recognize it for what it is and embrace it…waiting for the day of the promise!
One day Jesus will fill every void I feel. One day I will finally feel complete and fulfilled when I am restored to the person God created me to be from the beginning. Until then, my comfort comes as I reach for Him and draw as close as I can. I will choose to sit in His presence and wait…I won’t be disappointed!